Thanksgrieving: Cheer up ’cause it’s downhill from here (a musical op-ed)

November 25, 2008 in Blogs, Psychology Today by Psychology Today

When we’re down, people sometimes try to cheer us up with reminders that other people are much worse off than we are. Comparing misfortune to good effect also applies to our future selves. We should all cheer up because compared to who we’ll be in our declining years we’re doing great. Along with AARP cards, one perk senior citizens get is the occasional amusement of consoling some youngster who is distressed to be growing so old. I wrote this song after just such an experience, me at 51 consoling a 36 year old who was distressed about aging. Enjoying the happiness we get depends upon our ability to manage our interpretation of wellbeing as either a complement to, or substitute for future happiness. If my happiness today is a complement to happiness tomorrow–if it sets up an expectation that I’ll be happy then because I’m happy now-then unhappiness tomorrow will be disappointing. If my happiness today is a substitute for happiness tomorrow–if it sets up an expectation that I might not be happy tomorrow then I won’t be as disappointed. Happy today I like to remind myself that when I’m old I’ll be able to look back and say, "I had my turn." Buddha is often interpreted as saying that you should work to have no expectations, which, to me makes no sense. Expectations are absolutely essential to life. It’s all about expectation management. So here’s my Thanksgrieving gift (see last years at loving ingratitude) an uplifting ditty for us, the temporarily-abled. Here I sing it and play a seven-string fretless bass solo along with my four piece virtual jazz combo: http://www.mindreadersdictionary.com/downhillfromhere.mp3 Downhill from here Sure your things are sagging You can see you’re in decline A glimpse into the mirror shows The ravages of time Just remember that compared to now the future’s looking sour And looking back in decades this will have been the finer hour. At the rate that things are going yes our future looks austere Cheer up ‘cause it’s downhill from here. If you notice your ability To jump and skip is slipping And much of your agility Is going, don’t be trippin’ Compared to 20 years from now You’re agile and you’re well Viewed from future wheelchairs Today you’re a gazelle. At the rate that things are going Yes, our future looks austere Cheer up ‘cause it’s downhill from here. I’m a forward thinking pessimist It makes my days much brighter Tomorrow will be heavier today is therefore lighter Life’s decline is certain Of what’s left this time’s the best Enjoy it now it’s bound to be much better than the rest If the crowd is suffocating you in the rat race to success and your edge is always slipping and you cannot take the stress Just remember that the pile of product’s only getting deeper And your grandkid’s competition will certainly be steeper. At the rate that things are going our futures looks austere Cheer up ‘cause it’s downhill from here.   © 2008 Psychology Today. This RSS Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact blogs@psychologytoday.com so we can take legal action immediately.

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Thanksgrieving: Cheer up ’cause it’s downhill from here (a musical op-ed)

The Good Side of the Bad Economy

October 8, 2008 in Blogs, Psychology Today by Psychology Today

I have a friend, Lisa, who’s been going through a personal transformation. It seems to have been spurred by the downturn in the economy. She has a gorgeous SUV. She bought it about this time last year. She had to have it. It had a ridiculous price tag, but, hey, she had wanted it and her husband finally gave in, even though gasoline prices were going through the roof (and this thing positively guzzles gas). Lisa also has a gorgeous house (this is MacMansion #2. It’s on the same street as the MacMansion #1, but #2 is bigger and has a better view so she and her husband sold #1 and moved up). She’s also been planning the "wedding of the century" for her oldest daughter. These things – getting the SUV, decorating the house, arranging the big wedding – have been the focal points of Lisa’s thoughts for the last two years. A group of us meet for breakfast once a month. Last month Lisa started questioning why she ever wanted the SUV so badly. She started complaining about heating all those rooms she doesn’t use in MacMansion #2. And she began thinking that maybe the smaller destination wedding that her daughter actually wants would be okay after all. (What’s going on here, the rest of us wondered.) I just had breakfast with Lisa again. She thinks maybe she’ll use the SUV to deliver meals on wheels. She feels embarrassed by the size of her house and hopes to sell it when the market improves. And she’s thinking about going back to school to learn art therapy. It’s like her whole focus in life has changed since the economy started to dive. Several generations of Americans, from the Baby Boomers through the X and Y Generations, have grown up in a state of mind called the "more" mentality. The motto of "more" is this: If I can only get the bigger, better, more expensive version of (fill in the blank), I’ll be happy. The underlying philosophical premise is: My self-worth is defined by the "stuff" I own. Coincidentally (or not), the rate of depression has increased with every generation from the Baby Boomers on. While the high rate of depression cannot be blamed entirely on blatant commercialism, I do believe this "more" mentality is a contributing factor. Hello. "More" is not the path to happiness. The good side of the currently faltering economy is that it will force a large number of us to move (as my friend Lisa has done) from the "more" mentality to the "no more" mentality. We will stop occupying our free hours with thoughts of how we can get "more" to thoughts of how we can be of service to others in the tough times that are surely to come. In my capacity as an undergraduate advisor at Harvard, I have already noticed a rise in the number of students switching from a concentration in Economics (traditionally the number one choice of Harvard undergrads) to Psychology and other social sciences. I like to think this trend is linked to a movement away from the "more" philosophy. I do not mean to imply that the bad economy will be good for everyone’s mental health. There will be true hardship for many who will lose their jobs and who will struggle to feed their families. And we all need to be sensitive to those around us who are genuinely suffering. I predict there will be a short-term spike in depression rates as some people deal with the losses associated with individual financial disasters. However, for those of us who do not find ourselves in total disaster mode, the worsening economy may have an upside. It will give us the opportunity to take a fresh look at what’s important. We may decide that, by losing "more," we will be free to find a more genuine path to self-fulfillment. And, as financial success becomes less easy to attain, perhaps aspiring to other more healthy types of life success will become the focus for the generations to come.

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The Good Side of the Bad Economy

“No Child Left Inside”: An Example of The Wrong Way to Solve a National Problem

October 8, 2008 in Blogs, Psychology Today by Psychology Today

On Sept. 18, the US House of Representatives passed, by a landslide vote of 293 to 109, its version of the "No Child Left Inside" act. The Senate version has yet to been voted on. This legislation has been pushed by a coalition of environmentalists, educators, public health specialists, and business groups called the No Child Left Inside Coalition. I share all of the concerns of the Coalition, at least as they are expressed on the Coalition’s website. I am an ardent environmentalist, much concerned about the rape of our planet and its potential future inhabitability. I am concerned about the great ignorance on the part of so many of our citizens about the outdoors. I am concerned that we see very few children playing outdoors today. I am concerned that what passes for outdoor "play," all too often today, is highly structured, adult-supervised sports, which have little or nothing to do with discoveries about the outdoors. I am concerned about the epidemic rates, today, of childhood obesity and depression, and I agree with the Coalition that these rates are at least partly the results of the absence of outdoor adventure in children’s lives. Since I agree with the Coalition on all of this, you might think that I would support the No Child Left Inside legislation, which the Coalition has been working so hard to pass. But I do not. Schools suck the fun out of everything they teach. Do we want schools now to suck the fun out of outdoor adventure? This legislation, in my mind, is a perfect example of the kind of thinking that has caused many of the problems that the Coalition is concerned about, not the kind of thinking that can solve them. Every time we see a national problem, and especially if that problem has anything to do with children, a hue and cry goes out to solve that problem through the school system. The attitude seems to be that every problem can be solved by piliing yet another set of required courses and examinations onto the backs of schoolchildren. Don’t you see, you members of the Coalition, that the school system and our reliance on it to babysit our children and to force onto them an ever growing list of "educational" demands is the problem? And don’t you see that the more we attempt to regulate school activities through government mandates, the more restrictive and antithetical to the spirit of discovery school becomes? If this new act becomes law, then each state will be asked to submit, to the US Department of Education, a plan for "environmental literacy." Here is what the House act says about that plan (quoted from the Coalition’s website): " State plans must include: relevant content standards, content areas, and courses or subjects where instruction will take place; a description of the relationship of the plan to state graduation requirements; a description of programs for professional development of teachers to improve their environmental content knowledge, skill in teaching about environmental issues, and field-based pedagogical skills; a description of how the state educational agency will measure the environmental literacy of students; and a description of how the state educational agency will implement the plan, including securing funding and other necessary support." Passage of this legislation would, no doubt, be a coup for the educational industry (see my August 27 post ). It would result in a new set of courses, tests, textbooks, educational specialists, program administrators, grant writers, and so on and so on. What would it do for children? It would give them yet another set of school requirements, yet another set of tests to pass. Is this the way to get children to love and explore the outdoors? Has the school system been so successful in getting children to love all the other things it teaches–like math, history, and physics–that we now want to entrust it with teaching our kids to love the outdoors? Take a look, for example, at what our school system already does in the realm of "physical education." Because people think that the body as well as the mind needs training, most schools require students to take a physical education class each year. What this class does is to take something that should be joyful play and turn it into something that, for many if not most kids, is tedious, sometimes odious, and often embarrassing. By forcing everyone to do the same activities, at the same time, in accordance with the school’s schedule, and by testing and grading kids on everything and publicly comparing their performances, the school system effectively turns everything that should be play into work. If you care about children’s love for the outdoors, write to your US senators and ask them to vote against "No Child Left Inside." How Can We Increase Children’s Outdoor Play and Adventure? To solve a problem, it is often valuable to start by thinking about what caused the problem in the first place. When I was a child (longer ago than I’ll say), most kids spent enormous amounts of time outdoors. We went everywhere on our own, by foot and on bikes. We played games in vacant lots, and in rural areas outside of town, as well as in parks. We discovered things like butterflies, frogs, and snakes. We went fishing and swimming on our own. We took ice skating adventures across frozen lakes and hiking adventures in the woods, on our own, with no adults. What has happened to change all that? One thing that has happened is that school and adults outside of school have taken over children’s lives. When I was a child, school performance was much less emphasized than it is today. There was very little if any homework. On school days we had all day after 3:00 to play, plus an hour at lunchtime (during which we were not confined to school). The school year was shorter then than now, and we had three months of summer to play. Most communities did not have adult-organized sports leagues, and if they did have them we were never made to feel that we must participate for the sake of our résumés. Our parents did not feel that it was their responsibility to drive us places, or to watch us do everything we did so they could cheer us on or protect us from dangers. They trusted us. They trusted that, given freedom, we would enjoy ourselves and would for the most part do things that were good for us. Many parents will argue that it is not their kids that they distrust, but the neighborhood. I’m to a considerable degree sympathetic with that fear. Partly because fewer kids are outdoors playing, many neighborhoods may in fact be less safe now than then. It used to be that if anyone harassed someone outdoors, there would be many kids around, of all ages, as witnesses and deterrents. It is also the case that today, with both parents in most families away at work, there are fewer adults at home in any given neighborhood, fewer adults who could spot potential problems. People (adults as well as children) are also less likely to know their neighbors today than in the past, and that too makes neighborhoods less safe. And, of course, there are more cars on the streets than there used to be, and communities no longer feel that it is their duty to construct and maintain sidewalks, parks, and playgrounds. So, if these are the causes of the decline in outdoor play and adventure, then these are the issues we should work on. Lets stop trying to solve problems through increased schooling, which only makes the problems worse, and start trying to solve them through steps that will give our children more real freedom, including  freedom to play outdoors. Here are some things you might do: Speak out against increased school hours, homework, and testing . Let your school board, your school superintendent, and others in your community know that you, as a parent, resent the amount of busywork that is being forced on your children and resent the ever-increasing intrusion of school into your child’s time and your family’s time. Initiate local legislation to decrease the school day and school year. Fight against state-mandated testing. Work outside of the school system to develop safe places for children to play . Let the legislators in your community know that they should start spending less money on schools and more money on sidewalks, parks, and police protection in areas where children can play. Urge your community to develop and maintain parks that are safe yet provide opportunities for adventure–parks that have woods to explore, trees to climb, ponds and streams to fish in. Develop and support programs that allow children to engage with the outdoors in their own playful ways, on their own time, with others of their own choosing, without adult supervision and certainly without testing. Meet with other parents in your neighborhood to talk about the problem of providing safe places and opportunities to play. Maybe you can set up a neighborhood watch, which will help assure people that the neighborhood is safe for children’s play. Maybe you can find ways to take weekend trips with other families, to campgrounds or other places where the kids can play safely, with one another in new and exciting settings, while the adults ignore them and socialize among themselves in their own chosen ways. I know that these steps may not be easy. They require initiative. They run counter to the spoken agenda in most communities, which is always for more school and more direct adult supervision of children. Yet, if you scratch the surface of thinking of the adults in your community, you will find that many of them, in their hearts, recognize that children are more constrained, more imprisoned, today than they themselves were when they were children. If you ask them to say why, they are likely to come up, on their own, with lists not unlike what I have suggested here. What we need to do now is to transfer that heartfelt understanding into the head, to organize our efforts, and to take rational action to give our children real freedom to play outdoors. —————— I hope that some of you, in the comments section below, will suggest additional ways to give children freedom and opportunity for outdoor play, perhaps ways that you have seen work for your own children. And don’t forget to tell your senators to vote against No Child Left Inside.

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“No Child Left Inside”: An Example of The Wrong Way to Solve a National Problem

The Economy: A Single Person’s Vulnerability that is Real

October 7, 2008 in Blogs, Psychology Today by Psychology Today

A week or so ago, I was a featured guest on a radio call-in show. The host invited listeners to ask me anything about singles, singlism, or single life. I was scheduled to take calls for a half-hour. One of the first calls was about workplace and economic issues facing people who are single, and off we went. Callers said they were asked to cover for married co-workers. They noted that they got last dibs on vacation dates. They described married co-workers and bosses who expected the single people to work during holidays so married people could spend those special times with their spouse and family. Then they started in on issues of pay and perks and benefits. An enlightened married man called in and said that when he got married, his boss, in a private conversation, told him that he was going to increase his pay because he was now married. The reason I describe this man enlightened is because of the point he made on the air – that he was not any less valuable, motivated, or talented a worker when he was single. The host was surprised when I told him that the married caller’s experience was not unusual. In researching Singled Out , I found study after study showing that married men are paid more than single men, even when they have the same seniority and achievements. In fact, in one study in which the participants were identical twins, the married twin made an average of 26% more in pay than the single twin. The calls kept coming. The producer asked me to stay for another segment. Callers wanted to talk about disparities in benefits – married workers, for example, can often put their spouse on their health care plan at a reduced rate, while single people doing the same work side-by-side with the married person cannot put a sibling or a parent or a nephew or a close friend on their plan. They weren’t happy that their married colleagues’ Social Security benefits go to their spouse after they die, whereas the single workers’ benefits go back into the system. The phone lines continued to light up. The producer asked if I could continue with the show. We started in on all the many ways in which married people pay less than single people and get more – as with the auto insurance rates, health club memberships, professional subscriptions, vacation packages, and all the rest of the deals for which two married people each pay less than one single person. (In my book , I describe these in a section titled "Cheaper by the Couple.") Then there are the little things. Supermarkets, for example, reward super-sizers, as when shoppers get to pay less per unit the more they buy. For perishable items, this can be a complete-lose situation for singles – they are just not going to use all that food before it goes bad. Even for non-perishables, these deals are no deal at all if you don’t have the extra space to store the stuff. (There is an interesting public-health irony to these pricing practices. At a time when Americans probably weigh more than they ever have before, the buy-more, pay-less promotions encourage them to keep piling on the pounds.) Finally, the producer ended my part of the show, even though callers were still lined up waiting to talk. I don’t think we got through all the relevant economic issues that I described in Singled Out or in another post on this blog, but it was clear that the topic had struck a nerve. I’ve done many, many radio call-in shows over the years, and, with one exception, the topic of singles has always drawn listeners to their phones. (In the one dud, the host mistakenly introduced me as a therapist – not sure if that was the reason.) This time seemed different. The host was surprised, too – he said he never expected so many calls. Of course, any individual event like this can just be something random, but my guess is that something else was involved. Tough economic times are difficult for almost everyone, but they can be especially challenging for people who are single. There are lots of reasons for this. Most obviously, single people do not have a spouse’s job or income to fall back on if their own financial situation falters. Singles who live alone cannot take advantage of the "economies of scale" enjoyed by those who live with others and can draw from several paychecks to pay one rent or mortgage and one set of utility bills. Also, single people are targets of economic discrimination that is legal – it is written right into our laws and public policies (as I’ve described in Chapter 12 of Singled Out ). So what’s a single person – or any person concerned with fairness – to do? One possibility is to speak up. A graduate student (someone I don’t know) e-mailed me yesterday to say that reading my book motivated her to complain to her local grocery store about sales practices that favored married people. Another student in a Lifelong Learning course that I taught sent me a hand-written note telling me about her experience challenging a restaurant deal that singled out people who are single. I also hear from single people who tell me about their experiences of singlism in the workplace, and their efforts to deal with them. From those people – as well as from published research – I’ve become very attuned to the risks of speaking out. People who hear such complaints about singlism, even when stated very politely, are not often receptive to them. In fact, they can be downright hostile. I’ve been especially intrigued by nasty reactions I’ve gotten from people in academia, many of whom seem, in other ways, to be on the forefront of fairness. Some even study topics related to discrimination. The problem, I think, is that they also see themselves as especially fair and just people. When first faced with the suggestion that they may be treating single people inappropriately, they are startled – and angry. I think the way around this involves education and consciousness-raising . Most people just don’t know much about the real discriminations faced by single Americans. Once the topic becomes part of our public conversation – in the media , in the classroom , in political discourse , and in our everyday lives – then individual experiences will not be so personal. They will be part of a societal issue, a matter of what we want to be as a people and a nation.

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The Economy: A Single Person’s Vulnerability that is Real

When Your Lover Is Real?

October 4, 2008 in Psychology Today by Psychology Today

"I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known." Walt Disney. Emotional intensity depends on the way in which we evaluate the significance of events. Although emotions arise from an immediate eliciting event, their intensity depends on broader sets of circumstances that circumscribe our sensitivity to such an event. The various intensity variables may be divided into two major groups, one referring to the perceived impact of the event eliciting the emotional state and the other to background circumstances of the agents involved in the emotional state. The major variables constituting the first group are the strength, reality, and relevance of the event; the major variables constituting the second group are accountability, readiness, and deservingness (see The Subtlety of Emotions ). Here I discuss the variable of reality and argue that the more we believe the situation to be real, the more intense the emotion. The importance of the degree of reality in inducing powerful emotions is illustrated by the fact that a very strong event, which may be quite relevant to our well-being, may not provoke emotional excitement if we succeed in considering it as fantasy. Thus, despite the horrifying impact of a potential nuclear holocaust, many people do not allow this to upset them, since they do not consider the event to be a real possibility. On the other hand, events in a fictional movie may generate intense emotions as we choose to believe in the possible reality of the events in the movie. In analyzing the notion of "emotional reality" two major senses should be discerned: actual existence and vividness. Referring to the first sense, we may say that emotions aroused by imaginary objects are less intense than those elicited by actually existing objects. When we know that the danger actually exists, we are more frightened than when we suspect that the danger is illusory. The second sense of emotional reality, that is, the object’s vividness, relates to the fact that we receive information from various sources and with varying degrees of vividness. Pictures are most vivid due to the vast amount of information supplied by vision; hence, their importance in our everyday life. A film-clip of one wounded child has usually more emotional impact than reports about thousands killed. A picture is worth a thousand words. This vividness may account for the weakness of reason when opposed to the strength of emotions. Intellectual deliberations typically refer to something remote while emotions refer to what is present in the here and now. In light of the crucial role imagination plays in emotions, the importance of the degree of reality in the existential sense may be questioned. Thus, although works of art are understood to describe imaginary characters, they easily induce intense emotions. Art may in fact quite often induce more intense emotions than those we have toward real people. Many people are sadder when their favorite star, or even a cartoon character, gets hurt in a movie than when they read about a few hundred people killed in a remote place in the world. The above difficulty can be overcome when taking account of the vividness sense of reality. Works of art are obviously real in this sense. They provide us with more vivid information than that reported about actual existing events. The detailed and concrete description we have of the life of a fictional character in a movie makes this character more vivid and closer to us than an actual existing person reported in a newspaper. In perceiving artistic objects, we "put in brackets" their imaginary existence. One may further argue that an imaginative object is sometimes more exciting than an actual existing one even when there is no difference in their vividness. Consider, for example, the case in which while having sex many people fantasize about a different person than their current partner and the case in which a half-naked woman may be more exciting than a fully-dressed or a stark-naked woman. Explaining these cases should refer to the fact that both of them actually involve two different, rather than identical, objects where the imaginary one is more exciting. The fantasized person and the half-naked woman are imagined to have other properties-which are more attractive-than those of the real ones. Cyberspace is less real in the existential sense, but it can facilitate vivid fantasies. A 52-year-old married man writes: "Each time I had cybersex, I was really acting out some of my more common fantasies. With the help of some unknown and unseen people on the Internet, these experiences were very rewarding." Indeed, some people testify that their online lovers are more real to them than their offline spouses are. Thus, a woman may feel that even when her husband is at home, he is less real to her than her unseen online friend is. In addition, the freedom to behave more openly can make an individual feel more of a real person while in cyberspace (see Love Onlin e ). Your partner then is not a real lover when he merely physically exists around you. He may become more real when his loving attitudes are more vivid-even if those are merely expressed in a somewhat virtual environment. Having a physically existing partner whose loving attitudes are profoundly vivid involves the highest degree of reality. Achieving this most rewarding experience is not easy for many people; accordingly, too many of them settle for the vivid lover or worse the mere existential one (see In the Name of Love ). In any case, some (partly) virtual loving attitudes are more real than those expressed by physically existing partners.

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When Your Lover Is Real?

The Power to Be Vulnerable (Part 1 of 3)

October 4, 2008 in Blogs by Psychology Today

Part 1–Denying Vulnerability: "You’re Really Making Me Angry!" To feel anxiety and not back away from whatever’s causing it requires marked self-control. Resisting the temptation to avoid anything we experience as threatening takes considerable courage. We humans are so wired that the slightest perception of danger leads to feelings of vulnerability, setting into motion the impulse to flee, freeze or dissociate. And that sudden flash of trepidation can be prompted by anything that threatens our sense of control. It could, for instance, relate to sharing ourselves personally in a way that exposes us to the other’s indifference, disapproval, or anger. When we confide our thoughts and feelings in another, we may also fear that our sharing won’t be reciprocated. Or that it could be used against us. Or that it won’t be empathized with, or validated. And our deepest sense of vulnerability arises when we find ourselves in situations that tap into primal fears of abandonment. Or evoke its opposite, engulfment–where our personal boundaries feel so threatened that we fear losing our very self. Finally, whether our self-protective impulse to escape such situations is blindly followed or consciously withstood depends on our ability to stay calm during periods of emotional imbalance. And such composure isn’t at all "natural." Rather, it’s a strength–or power –that we need to deliberately cultivate. Frequently, when we stand firm in menacing situations, we’re able to do so only through the anaesthetizing emotion of anger. Getting angry with people who provoke our distress enables us to blame and negate them, and thus neutralize the uncomfortable feelings they’re causing us. But reactively becoming angry isn’t about overcoming our anxiety so much as covering it up. All we’re really doing here is masking feelings of uneasiness or insecurity by summoning up a self-vindicating sense of righteousness. For example, when a person experienced as crucial to our welfare (say, our spouse) sharply criticizes us, we’re likely to feel threatened, our emotional equilibrium suddenly turned upside down. Very few of us can simply "sit" with the criticism, objectively evaluate its merits, and respond accordingly. On the contrary, unless we depressively slink away from our mate, we’re likely to experience a strong urge to react antagonistically–attempting to protect against the felt assault to our self-esteem by either strenuously defending ourselves or by attacking them right back. Thrown off balance by the criticism, desperate to restore a positive sense of self, we look for a way– any way–to discredit our "assailant." But the immediate sense of strength our defensive anger yields is finally much less like bravery than bravado. And beyond allaying our anxiety, it doesn’t solve a thing. We haven’t coped with the threatening situation by sharing honestly and directly about how it made us feel (i.e., vulnerable), but merely substituted a much less disturbing feeling to camouflage our distress. For the moment, we’ve successfully resorted to anger to quiet our fears, but this anxiety reduction has been achieved mostly at our partner’s expense. And when we get into the habit of alleviating uncomfortable feelings by getting mad at our spouse, we invariably end up creating more discord in our relationship–setting ourselves up for continuing conflict (and of course the need for more and more anger). Power struggles in relationships are in fact mostly efforts to get our dependency needs met without ever confessing to our mate the anxiety their refusal would cause us. And typically we’re not at all conscious of how much our deepest feelings of security hinge on our partner’s positive response. Yet even if we were aware of the primal source of our relational fears and frustrations, it’s unlikely we’d be willing to take the risk of straightforwardly admitting these unmet needs–whether for attention, reassurance, empathy, support, validation, or simple warmth. The readiness to honestly and unashamedly admit these needs simply calls for more psychological courage than most of us have available. To betray just how dependent on our spouse we were (with all the vulnerability such dependency implies) would likely only exacerbate our most secret fear that we couldn’t be sufficiently cared about–or that maybe we weren’t even worth being so cared about. And if we were actually to reveal just how much power our partner had over our feelings, how could we avoid further endangering our sense of personal safety in the relationship? Along with our fears, most of us also feel a certain shame about divulging our dependencies. After all, as adults it’s almost always considered a virtue to be autonomous and self-reliant, whereas the mere suggestion of neediness is generally associated with being weak. So even though all of us may have quite legitimate dependency needs left over from childhood, revealing our hurt feelings when they’re not being met would expose our susceptibility to a degree that hardly seems tenable. And so we’re far more likely to criticize our partners when they ignore or deny us–or angrily demand from them what they’ve already refused–than to openly confess feelings of deprivation. But by self-protectively reacting to them negatively and taking out our frustrations on them, we decrease yet further the chance that in the future they’ll be more inclined to provide us with the succor we may so desperately need from them. Anger is certainly one of the most common ways we protect against feeling vulnerable. But how do we counteract such feelings without defaulting to the pseudo-empowering reaction of anger? When we’re feeling accused, devalued, powerless, rejected, or unloved, how do we stay in touch with the anxiety these feelings typically generate and literally think ourselves out of anxiety–eventually getting to the other side where we’re able to feel safe and okay? How, in short, can we muster the strength to deal more openly with all the things that imperil our sense of well-being? Psychologically, accomplishing this feat of staying present and holding onto our emotional poise when it feels under siege may well be one of our greatest challenges in life. But if we can develop this ability, we’ll likely discover a sense of personal power greater than any we’ve ever experienced. And in learning how to share our hurts–and our fears of being hurt–we may at last realize our potential for emotional intimacy, one of the greatest rewards of a committed relationship. Cultivating such an invaluable personal resource–one that may well represent the ultimate in self-control–lies in our ability to (1) self-validate, and (2) self-soothe. NOTE: Part 2 of this post will center on how we can become more self-validating, while Part 3 will take up the various ways we can learn to better soothe ourselves.  

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The Power to Be Vulnerable (Part 1 of 3)

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How to Improve Your Self-Control

September 30, 2008 in Blogs by PsyBlog

“It’s all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back.” ~Mick Jagger This post covers: Evidence that abstract thinking improves self-control . How personality and the situation affect self-control . How to improve your self-control . New research suggests self-control can be improved using abstract reasoning. Temptation comes in many forms, often so potent, so animal, that it seems impossible to resist. Eating too much, drinking too much, spending too much or letting the heart rule the head. We get instant messages from deep in the gut that resonate through the mind, trying to dictate our behaviour. One of humanity’s most useful skills, without which advanced civilisations would not exist, is being able to engage our higher cognitive functions, our self-control, to resist these temptations. Psychologists have found that self-control is strongly associated with what we label success: higher self-esteem, better interpersonal skills, better emotional responses and, perhaps surprisingly, few drawbacks at even very high levels of self-control ( Tangney et al., 2004 ). People, being only human, find the constant battle with basic urges is frequently too great and their self-control buckles. However, recent experimental research by Dr Kentaro Fujita at Ohio State University and colleagues has explored ways of improving self-control, where it comes from and why it sometimes deserts us. Based on new research, along with studies conducted over the past few decades, Dr Fujita and colleagues have proposed that abstract thinking and psychological distance are particularly important in self-control. 1. Evidence that abstract thinking improves self-control It never ceases to amaze just how different two people’s views of exactly the same event can be: one person’s freedom fighter is another’s terrorist. But the way in which we view people or events isn’t just constrained by unchangeable patterns of thought that are set in stone. Dr Fujita and colleagues explored the idea that simple manipulations of how we construe the world can have a direct effect on self-control. Their hunch was that thinking from a more abstract, high-level perspective increases self-control. In their research, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology , Fujita et al. (2006) used a number of experiments to test the idea that self-control is affected by how we construe or interpret events. The problem for the researchers was manipulating aspects of people’s construal without them realising: this required some deception. In one of Fujita et al.’s (2006) studies participants were told they were going to take part in two separate experiments – one on personality and another billed as a student survey. In fact this was just a cover story as the two pieces of research were designed to work together. Experimenters used the ‘student survey’ as a cover to manipulate levels of construal. They needed participants to be thinking in either a high-level way (abstract – seeing the whole forest) or a low-level way (concrete – seeing individual trees). They did this by getting participants to think about their level of physical health, but in two different ways: High-level construal condition: participants were asked to fill in a diagram which encouraged them to think about why they maintain good physical health. Participants tended to put answer such as: “To do well in school.” This got them thinking about ends rather than means – the ultimate purpose of physical health. Low-level construal condition: in contrast participants in this condition were asked to think about how they maintained their physical health. Naturally they responded with things like: “Go exercise”. In other words they focused on means rather than ends, the actual process. Just before this manipulation of construal level, in a study they were misinformed was separate, participants were told their personality was being tested physiologically through holding a handgrip. This handgrip was designed to be difficult to squeeze together but participants were told to hold on as long as possible. This provided a baseline measurement of their grip strength. Just after the manipulation of construal level participants had dummy electrodes attached to their arm and were told that their personality could be measured while they squeezed the stiff handgrip again. This time, though, they were told that the longer they could squeeze the handgrip the more accurate the information would be. The question was: how well could participants forget the temporary discomfort of holding the handgrip once they had been told about the desired goal of getting information about their own personalities? The results confirmed Fujita et al.’s (2006) suspicions. They showed that participants in the low-construal thinking condition (thinking about means rather than ends) held on to the handgrip for, on average, 4.9 seconds less than they had during the baseline measurement. In contrast those in the high-construal condition held on for 11.1 seconds longer than their baseline measurement. Whether participants were thinking about means or ends had a really significant effect on how long they squeezed the handgrip. Those participants who had been encouraged to think in high-level, abstract terms demonstrated greater self-control in enduring the discomfort of the handgrip in order to receive more accurate personality profiles. Along with this design Fujita et al. (2006) also carried out other studies using different measures of self-control and different ways of inducing either high-level or low-level construal. These produced similar findings. People in the high-level construal condition were consistently: More likely to avoid the temptation of instant gratification. Prepared to make a greater investment to learn more about their health status. Less likely to evaluate temptations like beer and television positively. 2. How personality and the situation affect self-control Self-control is not just affected by how we are thinking at a specific moment, that would be too easy. We have each developed different amounts of self-control. Some people seem to find it easy to resist temptation while others can be relied on to always yield to self-gratification. To a certain extent we have to accept our starting point on the self-control sliding scale and do the best we can with it. Although a few people have very high (or very low) levels of self-control, two-thirds of us lie somewhere near the middle: sometimes finding it easy to resist temptation, other times not. Naturally the exact situation has a huge effect on how much self-control we can exert. One property of different situations central to self-control that psychologists have examined is ‘psychological distance’. Research reveals that people find it much easier to make decisions that demonstrate self-control when they are thinking about events that are distant in time, for example how much exercise they will do next week or what they will eat tomorrow ( Fujita, 2008 ). Similarly they make much more disciplined decisions on behalf of other people than they do for themselves. People implicitly follow the maxim: do what I say, not what I do. It’s not hard to see the convergence between the idea of ‘psychological distance’ and high-level construal. Both emphasise the idea that the more psychological or conceptual distance we can put between ourselves and the particular decision or event, the more we are able to think about it in an abstract way, and therefore the more self-control we can exert. It’s all about developing a special type of objectivity. 3. How to improve your self-control Fujita et al.’s (2006) studies, along with other similar findings reported by Fujita (2008) , suggest that self-control can be increased by these related ways of thinking: Global processing . This means trying to focus on the wood rather than the trees: seeing the big picture and our specific actions as just one part of a major plan or purpose. For example, someone trying to eat healthily should focus on the ultimate goal and how each individual decision about what to eat contributes (or detracts) from that goal. Abstract reasoning . This means trying to avoid considering the specific details of the situation at hand in favour of thinking about how actions fit into an overall framework – being philosophical. Someone trying to add more self-control to their exercise regime might try to think less about the details of the exercise, and instead focus on an abstract vision of the ideal physical self, or how exercise provides a time to re-connect mind and body. High-level categorisation . This means thinking about high-level concepts rather than specific instances. Any long-term project, whether in business, academia or elsewhere can easily get bogged down by focusing too much on the minutiae of everyday processes and forgetting the ultimate goal. Categorising tasks or project stages conceptually may help an individual or group maintain their focus and achieve greater self-discipline. These are just some examples of specific instances, but with a little creativity the same principles can be applied to many situations in which self-control is required. Ultimately these three ways of thinking are different ways of saying much the same thing: avoid thinking locally and specifically and practice thinking globally, objectively and abstractly, and increased self-control should follow. [Image credit: brothaloveimages ] » Sponsor : Visit www.parinc.com for quality psychological assessment tools, great service, and fast shipping.

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How to Improve Your Self-Control

New Heights of Dishonesty in the Government

September 29, 2008 in Blogs by Psychology Today

Every time I think that cheating in the public sector cannot possibly get worse I get amazed. Here is a report from the New York Times , that I find just unbelievable. The basic story is that the Interior Department agency responsible for collecting oil and gas royalties has been caught up in a wide-ranging ethics scandal – including allegations of financial self-dealing, accepting gifts from energy companies, cocaine use, and sexual misconduct. I am not going to summarize it but here are my 2 reflections: 1) Will Congress actually do something with these reports and take some action to correct the situation (I suspect not)? 2) Was it relatively easy for the Interior Department agency that collects oil and gas royalties to be dishonest given the general lack of morality in the oil and gas industry? In other words, does the lack of ethical behavior in the corporate world also transfer to the government branches that are dealing with these sectors? I suspect that the answer is "yes" and this is very troubling – since the government agencies that need to be more honest are the ones dealing with more corrupt industries. Sadly yours   Dan

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New Heights of Dishonesty in the Government

Leadership Style and Employee Well-Being

September 28, 2008 in Blogs by Psychology Today

I suppose leadership at one time meant muscles, but today it means getting along with people .–Gandhi An important literature review was recently published in the Journal of Occupational and Environmental Medicine. Jaana Kuoppala, Anne Lamminpää, Juha Liira, and Harri Vaino looked at studies linking workplace leadership to the well-being of those led. They located hundreds of potentially relevant studies, of which 27 were presented in sufficient detail to include in their meta-analysis. A meta-analysis, by the way, is a relatively new arrival on the social science scene, and provides a quantitative way of summarizing the gist of different studies of the same topic. Meta-analysis is an attempt to solve the problem often encountered in reviewing a research literature that finds some studies supporting one conclusion, other studies supporting the opposite conclusion, and still others being inconclusive. Meta-analyses treat given studies as individual data points and then calculate an overall summary in terms of the robustness of effects, giving more emphasis to studies with larger samples, more rigorous designs, and so on. Meta-analysis requires assumptions that some would deem heroic, not the least of which is whether and how to regard the measures used in different studies as equivalent. Regardless, meta-analyses have become an important analytic tool in getting a handle on what research actually shows. Back to the literature review by Kuoppala and colleagues. They included studies from different nations, with both males and females, that measured leadership style on the one hand and employee well-being on the other. The dimensions of leadership style on which they focused were consideration and support. A considerate leader is one who treats employees kindly and fairly. A supportive leader is one who treats employees with concern and provides encouragement. It may seem surprising, or at least disappointing, to learn that not all workplace leaders are considerate and supportive, but there was sufficient variation across these dimensions in the studies reviewed to allow their impact to be calculated.. Across the studies reviewed, employee well-being was assessed in various ways, depending on the study: job satisfaction, job well-being (defined as burn-out, exhaustion, anxiety, depression, or stress related to work), amount of sick leave, and early retirement due to disability. In all cases, positive relationships were found. The robustness of effects–using meta-analysis jargon–ranged from small to moderate. But even small effects, multiplied over thousands or millions of millions of workers, imply that the impact of "good" leadership on employee well-being is potentially staggering. Among the studies reviewed, there was no relationship between leadership style and work performance. I hasten to add that plenty of other studies do find such a link, but let us just for a minute consider that leadership style might be more related to employee well-being than to employee performance. There is considerable irony in this possibility given that the thriving pop leadership literature is invariably framed in terms of improving productivity. The literature review by Kuoppala and colleagues suggests that leadership style does affect the bottom line but does so indirectly, through its effect on the well-being of employees. One can of course quibble with this meta-analysis. A meta-analysis is only as useful as the literature it summarizes, and many of the studies included were not ideal. For example, most studies were cross-sectional-all of the data were gathered at the same time, leaving unaddressed chicken-and-egg-issues. But can we afford not to take these findings and their implications seriously? A theme running through my blog entries is that "other people matter," and the take-home message of this article is that when leaders treat their employees as if they matter, everyone wins. Reference Kuoppala, J., Lamminpää, A., Liira, J., & Vaino, H. (2008). Leadership, job well-being, and health effects-A systematic review and a meta-analysis. Journal of Occupational and Environmental Medicine, 50, 904-915.

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Leadership Style and Employee Well-Being

McCain-Obama and 10 Rounds to a Draw…Sorta

September 27, 2008 in Psychology Today by Psychology Today

  The candidate debate was everywhere last night. I watched it on CBS because they provide the clearest HD transmission in my area. I was informed by some people who met McCain that he looks much older in person than he does on TV and that they figured that when he appeared on the same stage as Obama this age disparity would have the same audience effects that the now-historical but still famous reference point of the Kennedy-Nixon debate in 1960 where Nixon, ill-counseled by his make-up people, looked old, tired, like a Herblock cartoon of a "suspicious character" given Nixon’s perpetual, heavy 5 o’clock shadow. As some of you may know, read about, or have witnessed this debate, Kennedy looked young, handsome, vital, while Nixon looked like…like Nixon on a bad skin, eye, jowl day. At the time, Kennedy was only 4 years younger than Nixon but he looked a decade younger. Polls of people who listened on the radio or watched on TV found that radio listeners gave Nixon the edge while TV watchers gave Kennedy the edge. The results of these "media-specific exit polls" changed forever how candidates would appear. Makeup and telegenic grooming became the order of the day for all politicians appearing on TV, especially when making formal or pre-arranged speeches (as compared with, for example, being briefly interviewed on camera while scooting from one meeting to another on Capitol Hill). Some older actors and performers I knew in Hollywood were less discriminating. Whenever they left the house they put on makeup. Little Richard and Kirk Douglas were of that ilk. "Not that there’s anything wrong with that." Hell, I dye my beard-the goatee part –and perform other cosmetic rituals on my hair. Vanity, vanity, all is vanity. But back to Obama-McCain. In my humble opinion, McCain did not look any older in HD than he does on LD (low definition) TV. I expected a prune and witnessed someone a little more plumy. McCain actually looked pretty good for a 72 year old. So, the debate focused more on what they said (substance, but no new substance) than how the candidates looked. I doubt that too many people were listening to the debate on radio-at least not in the U.S. – so, no Kennedy-Nixon comparisons are likely. A couple of other physical points: The camera arrangements were such that there was only a few brief moments when they stood next to each other; before the debate actually started and after they debate was over. This is not unimportant because Obama is very much taller than McCain and, stats tell us, taller candidates generally beat shorter candidates. The only recent exception to that was when Bush 43 (Dubya) beat Al Gore and maybe the height discrepancy score card was why Gore walked over to Bush during one of the debates and looked "down" on him while Bush was responding to a question and Gore had no obvious reason for going over to Bush. It was one of the weird moments in presidential debates. According to post-debate pundit quips and audience reactions, that "stage walk" and Gore’s stiff-bodied sighs throughout that debate as Bush was replying to questions from panelists, evidently hurt Gore and may have helped GWB win the very close 2000 election (with of course, the help of the Supreme Court–you didn’t think I was going to leave that out, did you?). Obama also looked more relaxed, presidential, in control…but not without some initial stage nervousness. McCain looked nervous over the course of the debate, even when he was making strong points about his position or about Obama’s inexperience, and flashed his Charlie Chaplain smarmy smirk throughout the debate in order to communicate his disrespect for what Obama was saying, had said, or was trying to say, or for Obama’s voting record. It’s a nervous little smile, not the wide, Presidential smile that Obama repeatedly flashed (oh my God, how can I be so unabashedly biased!?) In other words, McCain was intent on "dissin’ " Obama at every opportunity. Obama was rather significantly more respectful. Whether the red meat and the "elite" viewers appreciated this difference is unknown to me at this point. But the low-road, high-road strategy has worked very well, I fear, for McCain and his Rovian advisers to this point, and has frustrated many of Obama’s supporters who want a little less watercress and a little more chopped steak on their candidate’s campaign style menu. Who won the night? Don’t know. And I didn’t wait to hear the spin doctors Greek and Hallelujah choruses in the debate’s aftermath; so very, very surreal. McCain’s only popping misstep, so far as I can tell, was saying that he wanted to cut federal subsidies for ethanol. He may want to but it’s not a good idea to say so in a nationally televised debate unless you can make sure that you can execute a power outage for the entire mid-West at that exact moment. As for Obama, I only know that I would have liked him to be less stiff, relaxed enough to make his points with a looser flourish, and to have dropped in a few jokes every now and then. Something else: If Obama had remembered that McCain’s Saint Patraeus had said that you couldn’t really use the term victory when it comes to Iraq, it would have helped him since McCain threw the surge and victory words around like confetti and seemed to want us all to pray at the alter of his friend, the General of Surge. But, Obama didn’t and more’s the pity. Maybe next time. As for now, we must wait for the event of the debate season – Sister Sarah vs. Sir Joseph of Biden. Could be a hoot…or a horror.    

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McCain-Obama and 10 Rounds to a Draw…Sorta