Self-Esteem vs. Self-Acceptance Though related, self-acceptance is not the same as self-esteem. Whereas self-esteem refers specifically to how valuable, or worthwhile, we see ourselves, self-acceptance alludes to a far more global affirmation of self. When we’re self-accepting, we’re able to embrace all facets of ourselves–not just the positive, more "esteem-able" parts. As such, self-acceptance is unconditional, free of all qualification. We can recognize our weaknesses, limitations and foibles, but this awareness doesn’t interfere with our ability to fully accept ourselves. I regularly tell my therapy clients that if they genuinely want to improve their self-esteem, they need to explore what parts of themselves they’re not yet able to accept. Ultimately, liking ourselves more (or getting on better terms with ourselves) has mostly to do with self-acceptance. And it’s only when we stop judging ourselves that we can secure a more positive sense of who we are. Which is why I believe our self-esteem rises naturally as soon as we stop being so hard on ourselves. And it’s precisely because self-acceptance involves far more than self-esteem that it’s generally seen (as self-esteem is not) to be crucial to our happiness and peace of mind. What Determines Our Self-Acceptance (or Lack of Same) in the First Place? Similar to our experiencing self-esteem, as children we’re able to accept ourselves only to the degree we feel accepted by our parents. Research has demonstrated that before the age of eight, we lack the ability to formulate a clear, separate sense of self–that is, other than what has been communicated to us by our caretakers. So if our parents are unable, or unwilling, to transmit the message that we’re totally okay and acceptable–independent, that is, of our hard-to-control, sometimes errant behaviors (which, understandably, may frustrate or disappoint them)– we’re primed to view ourselves with ambivalence. The positive regard we receive from our parents may depend almost totally on our behavior, and we unfortunately learn that a considerable number of these behaviors are parentally unacceptable. So, naturally identifying ourselves with these objectionable behaviors, we inevitably come to see ourselves as in many ways unacceptable. Additionally, adverse parental evaluation can, and frequently does, go far beyond individual behaviors. For example, parents may give us the more general message that we’re selfish-or that we’re not thin enough, smart enough, attractive enough, good enough, "nice" enough, and so on. As a result of what most mental health professionals would agree represents a subtle form of emotional abuse, almost all of us come to regard ourselves as only partially–or conditionally –acceptable. In consequence, we learn to regard many aspects of our self negatively, painfully internalizing the felt rejection we too often felt at the hands of over-critical parents. And this tendency toward self-criticism is at the heart of most of the problems we unwittingly create for ourselves as adults. That is, given how the human psyche operates, it’s almost impossible not to parent ourselves as we were parented originally. If our caretakers dealt with us in a hurtful manner, as adults we’ll find all sorts of ways to perpetuate that unresolved hurt onto ourselves. If we were frequently ignored, accused, berated, blamed, taunted, chastised, or physically punished, we’ll somehow contrive to carry on this indignity. So when (figuratively, at least) we "beat ourselves up," we’re typically just following our parents’ lead. Having to depend so much on our caretakers when we were young–and thus experiencing little authority to question their "mixed verdict" on us–we felt obliged to assume the basic validity of their appraisals. This is hardly to say that our parents constantly put us down. But, historically, it’s well-known that parents are far more likely to let us know when we do something that bothers them than to acknowledge us for our more positive, or pro-social behaviors. In fully comprehending the reservations we come to have about ourselves by the time we’re adults, we obviously need to add (besides all the negative parental feedback we received) the disapproval and criticism we were subject to by teachers, relatives–and, especially , our peers, who, struggling with their own parentally-induced self-doubts, could hardly resist making fun of our frailties whenever we innocently "exposed" them. At any rate, almost all of us enter adulthood afflicted with a certain negative bias. We share a common tendency to blame ourselves, to see ourselves as bad, wrong, or in some way defective. It’s as though we all, more or less, suffer from the same chronic "virus" of self-doubt. . . . So How Do We Become More Self-Accepting? Learning to be More Self-Compassionate Whereas accepting ourselves unconditionally (despite our deficiencies) would have been almost automatic had our parents transmitted a predominantly positive message about us-and, additionally, we grew up in a generally supportive environment-if that really wasn’t the case, we need on our own to learn how to "certify" ourselves, to validate our essential ok-ness. And I’m hardly suggesting here that independently confirming ourselves has anything to do with becoming complacent, only that we get over our habit of constantly judging ourselves. If deep within us we’re ever to feel–as our normal state of being–happy and fulfilled, we must first rise to the challenge of complete, unqualified self-acceptance. As Robert Holden puts it in his book Happiness Now! "Happiness and self-acceptance go hand in hand. In fact, your level of self-acceptance determines your level of happiness. The more self-acceptance you have, the more happiness you’ll allow yourself to accept, receive and enjoy. In other words, you enjoy as much happiness as you believe you’re worthy of [emphasis added]." Perhaps more than anything else, cultivating this capacity for self-acceptance requires that we learn how to be more compassionate toward ourselves. For only when we better understand and forgive ourselves for everything we’ve regarded as blameworthy can we obtain the relationship to self that till now may have eluded us. To adopt a more loving stance toward ourselves–perhaps the key prerequisite for self-acceptance–we must develop a detachment that allows us to see ourselves as representative of all human beings–endeavoring to fit in and somehow prove ourselves to others (just as, initially, we may have felt we needed to justify our existence to our caretakers). And, also like virtually everyone else, our behaviors–misguided or not–simply reflect our efforts to counteract the legacy of our parents’ conditional love. Undertaking such a heartfelt exploration of what I’d call our well-nigh "universal plight" almost inevitably generates increased self-compassion. And it’s through this compassion that we can learn to like ourselves more, to view ourselves as worthy of love and respect by virtue of our very willingness to confront, and struggle against, what we find most difficult to accept about ourselves. In a sense, we all bear scars from the past and are among the ranks of the "walking wounded." And the very recognition of our common humanity can inspire us with feelings of kindness and goodwill toward ourselves that we may have habitually withheld. Letting Go of Guilt and Learning to Forgive Ourselves To become more self-accepting, we must start by telling ourselves (repeatedly–and hopefully, with ever-increasing conviction) that given all our negative self-referencing beliefs and biases, we’ve done the best we could. In this light, we need to re-examine residual feelings of guilt, as well as our many self-criticisms and put-downs. We must ask ourselves specifically what it is we don’t accept about ourselves and–as agents of our own healing–bring compassion and understanding to each point of self-rejection. By doing so, we can begin to dissolve exaggerated feelings of guilt based on standards and expectations that simply don’t mirror what was possible for us at the time. The famous French expression, Tout comprendre, c’est tout excuser (literally, "to understand all is to pardon all") is a dictum that we ought to apply at least as much to ourselves as others. For the more we can grasp just why in the past we were compelled to act in a particular way, the more likely we’ll be able both to forgive ourselves for this behavior and avoid repeating it in the future. Becoming more self-accepting necessitates that we begin to appreciate that, ultimately, we’re really not to blame for anything–whether it’s our looks, our intelligence, or any of our more questionable behaviors. Our actions have all been compelled by some combination of background and biology. Going forward, we certainly can–and in most cases, should –take responsibility for ways we’ve hurt or mistreated others. But if we’re to productively work on becoming more self-accepting, we must do so with compassion and forgiveness in our hearts. We need to realize that given our internal programming up to that point we could hardly have behaved differently. To gradually evolve into a position of unconditional self-acceptance, it’s crucial we adopt an attitude of "self-pardon" for our real, or perceived, transgressions. In the end, we may even come to realize that there’s actually nothing to forgive. Regardless of what we may have already concluded, we were, in a sense, always innocent–doing the best we could, given what was innate in us, how compelling our needs (and feelings) were at the time, and what (however unconsciously) we happened to believe about ourselves. That which, finally, determines most problematic behavior is linked to common psychological defenses. And it almost borders on the cruel to blame ourselves–or hold ourselves in contempt–for acting in ways that at the time we thought would help protect us from anxiety, or emotional distress generally. Embracing Our Shadow Self Tied to the above, self-acceptance also involves being willing to recognize, retrieve and make peace with parts of the self that till now may have been abandoned, shunned, or repudiated. I’m referring here to our illicit or anti-social impulses–our shadow self , which, though it may have confused, frightened, or even sabotaged us in the past, still represents an essential part of our nature and must be fully integrated if we are to become whole. As long as we refuse to accept-or in some way accommodate-these split-off aspects of self, unconditional self-acceptance will remain forever out of reach. When we’re able to sympathetically understand the origin of these darker, recessive fragments in us, any self-evaluation based on them begins to feel not only uncaring or uncharitable, but unfair as well. Accepting ourselves without conditions, we can view ourselves benignly, as we acknowledge to ourselves that we all harbor forbidden (and quite possibly, outrageous) impulses and fantasies–whether they entail brutally injuring someone we find obnoxious, exercising unbridled power over others, or (indeed!) running naked through the streets. We can learn to view all these "aberrations" as okay, realizing that however bizarre or egregious our imaginings might be, they’re probably nothing more than fantasized compensations for hurts or deprivations we’ve suffered in the past. Further, even as we come to accept our shadow parts as somehow inherent in us, we can yet maintain voluntary control over their expression. We might even discover ways to permit them some form of representation–but, of course, only in ways that would ensure safety both to ourselves and others. As long as we’re connected to our deepest, truest self, we’ll be coming from love and compassion. As such, it really isn’t in us to do anything that would violate our natural compassion and identification with all humanity. Owning and integrating our various facets is a transcendent experience-and when we (or, really, our egos ) no longer feel separate from others, the motive to do them harm literally disappears. Self-Acceptance vs. Self-Improvement It should be fairly obvious at this point that self-acceptance has very little to do with self-improvement, that it really isn’t about "fixing" ourselves, or moving toward some sort of personal perfection. With self-acceptance we’re simply affirming– non-judgmentally –that we are who we are, with whatever strengths and weaknesses we possess in the moment. The problem with our focusing on self-improvement is that such an orientation inevitably makes self-acceptance conditional. After all, we can never feel totally secure or whole as long as our self-regard depends on constantly bettering ourselves. Self-acceptance is here-and-now oriented-not future oriented, as in: "I’ll be okay when . . ." Or, "As soon as I accomplish _____, I’ll be okay." Self-acceptance is about already being okay, about seeing ourselves as "good enough" now- -with no qualifications of any kind. We don’t ignore or deny our frailties, we just see them as not relevant to our basic acceptability. Finally, it’s we–and we alone–that can set the standards for our self-acceptance. And once we decide to stop grading ourselves, or "keeping score with" ourselves, we can adopt an attitude of non-judging forgiveness. In fact, once we refrain from our lifelong habit of continually evaluating ourselves–striving rather to compassionately understand our past behaviors–we’ll find that there’s really nothing to forgive (remember, " Tout comprendre . . ." ). Personal flaws or shortcomings don’t need to get in our way. Certainly, we can vow to do better in the future, but we can nonetheless accept ourselves exactly as we are today. And here I can’t stress enough that it’s possible to accept and love ourselves and still be committed to a lifetime of personal growth. Accepting ourselves exactly as we are doesn’t mean we’ll be without the motivation to make changes or improvements that could enrich our lives or make us more effective. It’s just that our self-acceptance is in no way tied to such alterations. We don’t have to do anything to secure our self-acceptance: we have only to change the way we view ourselves. So altering our behaviors becomes a matter of personal preference, not a prerequisite for greater self-regard. It’s all a matter of coming from a radically different position. If self-acceptance is to be "earned," a result of working hard on ourselves, then it’s conditional and always at risk. The "job" of accepting ourselves can never be done, never completed. Even scoring an A+ in whatever endeavor we’re using to rate ourselves can offer us only temporary satisfaction. For the message we’re giving ourselves is that we’re only as worthwhile as our latest achievement. We can never finally "arrive" at a place of self-acceptance because we’ve inadvertently defined our journey as everlasting. In holding ourselves to such self-imposed standards, we may in fact be validating the way our own conditionally-loving parents dealt with us. But we’re certainly not validating ourselves–or treating ourselves with the kindness and consideration our parents may have failed to adequately provide us. To conclude, only when we’re able to give ourselves unqualified approval–by developing greater self-compassion and focusing more on our positives than negatives–can we at last forgive ourselves for our faults, as well as relinquish our need for others’ approval. No doubt we’ve made mistakes. But then, so has everybody else–and in any case our identity is hardly equal to our mistakes. For sure, such a linkage would represent a bad case of "mistaken identity." There’s no reason we can’t decide right now to transform our fundamental sense of who we are. And we can remind ourselves that our various weaknesses are only part of what makes us human. If all our failings and flaws were suddenly to disappear, my pet theory is that we’d instantly turn into white light and disappear from the face of the planet. So in pursuing the challenge of unconditional self-acceptance, we might even want to take a certain pride in our imperfections. After all, were we beyond criticism in the first place, we’d never have the opportunity to rise to this uniquely human challenge.
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The Path to Unconditional Self-Acceptance
